Our son turned five years old, three days ago. The boy, Damu made me give up for adoption. That little boy is amazing, and I'm so lucky I get to see him every couple months. As much as I love Damu still and always, and him me, it's really difficult to try to understand, and even more to justifying it to yourself. What type of man is he really, or father? 

What type of person, takes Mellissa, the mother of his first born daughter to the hospital when she goes into labor, drops her off and is never seen from or heard from again for nearly 18 years? What type of person denies that she was even his the whole time we we've been together, all the while child support for her was being taken directly out of his paycheck? The only reason he acknowledged or spoke to her was because I found a note on the internet looking for him and pleading to know her father and that she didn't want anything. It’s unfortunate for that he doesn’t care about her. Although he does talk to her sometimes, he does not acknowledge her as his daughter, and even still says he doesn’t think she’s his because she doesn’t look like him. If she wasn’t really his, why does he owe $62,000 in back child support, and have a warrant because of it? There’s not much to say about the first born son. I guess he had his moments of awesomeness with him. That is after he moved back to NY after he left him as a new toddler. After a few years, when his other daughter was kidnapped by her mother, he moved back to GA to be with me. Of course he blames me for not having a relationship with T anymore after he went back to NY. Blaming others makes things easier. When he was here I begged him to keep in touch with his family, and his boy, and his other daughter. He wouldn’t, he would go over a year without talking to any of them, or even responding back to them when they tried to reach out. This is something Damu always does tho, not just with his kids or family. He does this to various people at different times, he’ll just fall off the earth and when he land back on it, he acts as if that was all normal. When his other daughter X was born, he fell completely in love with her. She was life and she was perfect, and just like him. And when he came here after she was kidnapped and didn’t know where she was, after finding out he talked to her once, and months went by before he reached back out to her. She could always make him happier than anyone in the world, so why would he go more than a year at one point without any contact with her? And then comes Damu Jr., he insisted we couldn’t have a baby at that time. We had no money we didn’t have our shit together, blah blah blah, and even tho I tried fighting him, there was no winning and we gave our son away to strangers. And in between X and Damu Jr. another child of his came into the world, this time he didn’t know Jennifer M was pregnant, and she wouldn’t tell him, because he was heading back up to NY to live with V and X. Him and I spent his last night here together before he packed up a Uhaul and headed home. Now that I know, I’m able to go back to that night he left and sure enough besides living with V he was seeing me and knocking Jennifer up. That was her that kept calling on that last night over and over, and he wouldn’t answer it saying it was NOBODY. Jennifer got lucky tho and met a man who while she was pregnant with Murphy, and he was happy to be the boy’s father and give him a name and provide him a life. Somehow she was able and ok with not even telling Damu he was a father again, until she found him on FB and began another of his famous fake online relationships. He was 10 before she told him. I can’t understand or wrap my brain around even being able to justify not telling the boy or the father, why would someone do that? Didn’t she think how it would affect M as he grew up, did she just hope he wouldn’t notice that mommy, daddy, and sister don’t have his beautiful tan!? Wow. Who knows if that’s all the kids. Chances are tho, that cunt Tracy tricked him when he flew her out to NY to meet for the first time and fuck. She was so delusional and in love and thought he was too, she probably planned it, and is sittin’ in Canada with a big ol belly and devious smile on her face. 

As it always has the trail of victims, and casualties isn’t getting any smaller. 

Funny thing is I’ll be in Lilburn in two weeks for business/pleasure mixed. I’ll definitely be taking a detour on Nathan Ct. and dropping by someone’s house for a visit. If noone is there, or chooses not to answer, I’ll just leave the envelope. And why shouldn’t two mothers of Damu’s kids meet and have a drink and exchange pictures? Even tho she got to keep hers and I didn’t the boys are still brothers. They’ll be curious about one another at some point, and they both look so much like their father. 

Well my old blog friend, thanks for listening as always.

It looks like this year I will be doing two things, two times...things that never happen during a normal year even once. Yet here I sit with Chuck Woolery's voice in my head, saying "we're back in two and two"!

This year, I held my best friends hand as she labored her last breaths and died. It sucked. It still sucks. I really thought it'd suck for a minute and then like I'm able to do, deny how I feel until I believe I don't. I can be having a fairly decent day (as far as my days go) and then KABLOOEY! I didn't even see the trigger that pulled the gun. If I had, I could avoid it, but they come from nowhere.

This year, I went back "home" to whence I came. I got to visit with friends and family and spray paint the rocks down by the lake, like I've always wanted to do. The only thing missing was not being able to see my BFF, and having to leave without seeing her. I knew it may be the last chance I'd get to see her, but I can't generate more time, especially with an 87 year old grane that was ready to go.

For the second time this year, I'll be headed back "home" to whence I came. This trip home I'll see my BFF. We'll have time to laugh and cry about all the times we shared. I'll read to her, and even the dirty story we wrote together in high school will be amongst the select ed literary greats, none of which will be read through, there will only be time to quote and savor the best parts. I'll talk her hear off while we play board games, even though I know I'll have to take her turns for her, and she won't hear much, if anything that I'm blabbing about. She won't allow me to cry, so I'll be genuinely happy for the time I get to spend with her, and as she drifts in and out as I hold her hand and quietly sing horrible hair metal songs, I'll let them fall while she's not looking. They'll have to start giving her more morphine as her pains worsens. I'll be happy to be there with her, and try not to be angry with her that she won't let her kids or family in to spend any amount of time with her. I'll be happy to be there with her, and try not to get angry that or think about her choice to stop the dialysis. I'll treasure every second, one of them soon will be the last.

When she's gone, I think that officially leaves me with just two semi ok friends. Bad things happen in threes.

Dim lights  

On October 4th (two weeks and one day ago) I was woken by SirSin with a phone call. It was 6:53 am and he didn't want to talk, he just wanted to let me know, that I'm not alone, and he doesn't understand why I had to go.

This song played in my ear, no words were needed.

Dim lights

Lyrics

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
That You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Ohh, Whisper three words and I'll come runnin', and I,
And girl you know that I'll be there!
I'll be there!

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

(For you are not alone) You are not alone
(For I am here with you) I am here with you
(Though you're far away) Though you're far away
(I am here to stay) You and me
(You are not alone)You are Always in my heart!
(For I am here with you)
(Though we're far apart)
(You're always in my heart)
(You are not alone) You are not alone oh!

You are not alone, you are not alone.
Say it again, you are not alone, you are not alone.
Not alone, Not alone!
You just reach out for me girl in the morning in the evenin'
Not alone, not alone, you and me, not alone, Oh!
Together, together,
God done being alone, god done being alone.
You believe in me, god done livin' alone
God done livin' alone, god done livin' alone
Not alone oh!

SirSin sent this to me on September 19th. There were several more, I'll find them and upload them later.

(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW.) 

I’ve been thinking lately about God, assuming He exists. Mainly, I’ve been thinking about the Judeo-Christian biblical conception of God, and asking myself, crazy as this sounds, if He exists, Is God a sociopath?

I pose this question seriously, and apologize in advance for offending anyone by probing this idea. But consider:

You are expected to worship Him.

You are expected to acknowledge His perfection.

You are expected to live by His standards.

You are expected to fear His Judgement.

You are expected to please, not disappoint Him.

You are expected to do penance when you’ve strayed from His rules.

You are expected to be in awe of, and fear, His omniscience.

You are expected to be in awe of, and fear, His omnipotence.

You are expected to prize His love, and fear His wrath.

You are expected to seek, and follow, His guidance.

When He feels unheeded, He licenses Himself to unleash cruel, violent, devastating rages (see the Flood, among countless other examples).

He is a punisher.

He is perfect.

He has no guilt; yet He instills guilt.

He “made,” and he “works,” the world and universe from “above,” sitting in Judgement of all who deviate from Him.

He is infallible.

He is unaccountable.

He is callous—a cause of, and silent witness to, untold violence and suffering in the history of humanity.

He is “entitled”—to judge, and punish, as He likes.

He is controlling to a highly pathological degree, for all the reasons stated above.

He is merciful, so long as you heed Him. Otherwise, He can be merciless.

He expects to be idealized and treated like a God.

He rages, and inflicts the cruelest of punishments, when He feels defied.

His word is the bible.

Now you tell me: If I were describing a human being in these terms, what conclusion would you draw? I suspect, if you weren’t feeling defensive, that you’d conclude that we’re talking about someone with a case of seriously malignant narcissism edging, perhaps, into the realm of sociopathy?

But, of course, I’m describing the Judeo-Christian God.

Think about this: from the earliest age, this is your almighty Father figure. You are taught to worship Him, seek His love, His mercy, accept His perfection and infallibility.

You are taught that His word is final; His wrath is justified; to feel shame before His eyes.

You are taught to have to work hard to earn your way back into His good graces, and to be grateful for His forgiveness.

His judgement is final, and even terrifying.

Now if this is the Father figure we’ve been raised to heed and idealize from birth, is it not fair to wonder how much this relationship—with God—might predispose us to end up with a sociopath?

Does one’s adult relationship with a sociopath not replicate, in certain ways, one’s relationship with God?